The start of a new year always brings me fresh motivation to set goals and refresh. I usually make a list of a few things I want to accomplish like taking a cooking class with E or a larger goal of establishing a better eating routine. This year I haven’t felt the same motivation. I think part of it is due to the fact that there has been so much change in my life in the last few months and I feel like I’ve already been working on my goals. I just resumed my fitness membership and I’ve started making a list of things I want to do for myself like get back into Bible Study and read again. But I’m taking it day by day. Instead of making a list of several goals, I have found there is only one that I’m eager to achieve and that’s find balance again.

On the last day of this month I’ll be turning 30. I think that’s been looming over my head instead of the beginning of a new year. I’m starting a new decade too. And though many of my friends who are already 30 swear it’s been their favorite decade so far, I’m feeling more anxious than ever because I’ve had this thing in my head that’s telling me I’m supposed to know exactly who I am at 30.

My twenties were a time for adventure, travel, and living in the moment. I spent a lot of time exploring the world, meeting people, learning tough lessons (‘adulting’ as my dad puts it), and really just having so much fun. Parts of it felt like the tv show FRIENDS: I lived in a 2 mile radius of my closest friends for years. And it was a total blast. Now that this decade is ending, I feel like I am supposed to be totally mature and have everything about my life figured out. But I still feel like a kid!

A lot of my life has panned out how I hoped it would. I am married to my best friend. I have a sweet little baby and two cuddly doggies. We live in a city we LOVE and have an amazing network of family and friends both near and far. We travel. Life is pretty good. But do I know myself? Have I FOUND myself? Do I set enough time aside for ME? Now that I’m not so sure of.

All of this circles back to my goal of finding balance. Without balance, I’m a lost soul. Lately I spend all of my time with Charlie and when I’m not with him, I’m worrying about him. Instead of napping during his quiet hours (which are few and far between these days anyway), I find myself rushing around the house to finish projects. And then I stress that I haven’t thought of something I’m supposed to be doing before he wakes up and demands my attention. I used to feel in control but it seems impossible to control things when you have a small baby. It’s hard to find time for me.

I think the mixture of sleep deprivation, the start of a new year, and an approaching birthday has put me under tremendous self-inflicted pressure. Instead of seeing all the wonderful things I have, I’ve focused on what I haven’t achieved yet, and it’s so silly. A sleeping baby will come in due time. I will find my rhythm with motherhood and creativity. And getting older is just part of life. But right now, finding balance seems far away.

Are any of you anxious about turning 30? Or have a baby at home that’s changing every minute? How do you manage balance? Tell me I’m not alone! I’d love to know =)

*photos by Brandon Hill

Jumpsuit details: It’s a keeper. But it runs small so make sure to order a size up. I am wearing a medium and I’ll warn you that the legs are very long. If you have shorter legs like I do, you’ll absolutely need heels with this one. This jersey material is extremely comfortable though and I felt sexy for the first time in a long time wearing this outfit. A black jumpsuit is the edgy sophisticated piece you’ll want to wear to the next wedding or gala you attend :)

-XO-

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