I’m going to share a very personal topic with you today because I think it might be something that will impact and help some of you.

Many people assume that when a couple is in marriage counseling, they’re on the road to divorce. Or at least their marriage is in trouble. It’s a topic that becomes very private because the admission of it often allows others to make their own assumptions and judge. And it’s a sticky feeling. However, one of the most important things we can do as people is put effort into fostering healthy relationships. That’s why I want to share our story in hopes of inspiring you to rethink counseling.

 It’s been just over a year that Eric and I graduated our marriage counseling. I say “graduated” not because he and I are all fixed and perfect!, but because after a year of working with a counselor, we felt equipped to face our issues alone. It took a lot of convincing for me to get my husband on board, but he would even tell you that it was one of the best things we have done for our relationship. In fact, I got the green light to discuss this topic on my blog knowing that he and I have impacted our own friends and family that we’ve opened up to about this.

So why counseling? Eric and I have never struggled with communication. He and I both are great at sharing how we’re feeling. But for as wonderful as our communication is, we needed a few tools to have more effective and healthy arguments.  Especially as new parents with impressionable littles. We knew it was something we wanted to address before our kids got older and understood tension or conflict at home. That’s why we chose to go into counseling when we did.

The first thing that our therapist explained to us in our first session was that she wasn’t there to change either of us. We shouldn’t expect to change each other either. Instead, we would develop better tools to understand each other and avoid arguments from escalating. Within our first session, our counselor was able to pinpoint an issue in our arguing that made us both sit back and feel completely validated and understood: we have different tolerance levels for intensity. In order to have healthy and effective arguments, we needed to bring our intensity level down to hear each other.

I don’t need to go into each and every detail of our own relationship, but I will give you an idea of what counseling was like. I tried testing out a therapist on my own and I left feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed. It wasn’t fair to Eric for me to have the first word and he not be there to defend himself. We decided to go with a second therapist who I had spoken to on the phone and felt like a better fit for both of us. It’s okay to try a few therapists by the way. Just like with everything else, you need to find a good fit and someone who makes you feel comfortable.

The first few sessions felt incredible. As therapy should. We were both learning new ways to hear each other and better ways to engage one another. Some sessions were awkward (and goofy) while we waited turns to talk and tell each other what we were feeling. We learned to let the other completely finish their train of thought without budding in. We examined our love languages, enneagram types, and values. We explored our life goals and shared compliments with each other. We also did most of our sessions over zoom. I add that because if any of you are afraid you can’t get into an office, especially during these times, you have options. Insurance also paid for our counseling and that’s actually how I found our therapist.

Yes, there were weeks where we didn’t really feel like we had much to talk about. There were no arguments to discuss and we’d have spells of zero conflict. But as you know, relationships ebb and flow and even when we thought we were totally ready to stop going into counseling, we’d have an argument that went past our escalation goal. None of us changes overnight. Sometimes it takes practice using the tools you’ve developed and in the heat of the moment, you can quickly forget what you’ve learned. We are two different people, imperfect people, who are constantly growing and changing. That’s life. But now we are so much better at diffusing tension and letting things go. But it took a lot of training.

All of us come from different families and grew up with our own experiences. We have our own set of skills and flaws and when we come together, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies. Even someone you may envy because you think they have the perfect relationship, has their own problems. We’re human! Once we started sharing that we were in counseling, I can’t even tell you how many friends considered it for themselves or were already going. I think it’s such a healthy practice and if started at the right time, it can save relationships before too much damage is done.

We finished counseling right before one of the most trying years in our history: a global pandemic. Personally, we went from spending time apart each week with Eric’s work travels to being home together 24/7. We had our challenges like everyone else, but I couldn’t be more grateful that we had developed some of those tools right before all of it. We were able to communicate and work together so well.

I hope this post is helpful and encouraging for you! There is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to therapy. Sometimes having an extra advocate there, an unbiased ear, is just what we need to see each other more clearly.

Feel free to email me if you have questions! theautumngirlblog@gmail.com

marriage counseling tips for healthy relationships