I am so happy to share that our family is growing and we are expecting a baby next Spring. This year has been a series of up and downs for everyone and I am so happy to have this special blessing.

I have always wanted a big family with kids close in age to experience the bond that I had with my siblings growing up. My childhood was the best and I hope to create the same type of memories for my own kids. I know this next chapter is going to be a wild ride with 3 in 3 1/2 years but it will be an adventure.

We are thrilled God has answered our prayers but I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that this has been my most difficult pregnancy so far, for a variety of reasons.

As many of you know, I had two miscarriages this year. October 12th was the original due date of my first pregnancy and while I’ve processed that loss and moved on, it’s still kind of a weird feeling. I am able to move forward because I know if I didn’t suffer that loss, I wouldn’t be having this current pregnancy. The stress of pregnancy after miscarriage is a never ending cycle of worry. Even after first trimester, a part of me wonders- will this last? Even the smaller risk of losing a baby later in pregnancy poses a greater threat to me mentally since I now look at myself as the potential unlucky number. And I wish I could push those thoughts out of my head.

What’s more is that the first trimester brought on symptoms that I never felt before.  I had to go in for weekly blood tests which added to my stress. I was also on the hormone Progesterone this time around and I am convinced it was the source of the more severe forms of the pregnancy symptoms I’ve experienced before plus more. Alongside the usual nausea, irritability, heartburn, and fatigue, I also experienced the most odd case of prenatal depression.  Or maybe it was severe mood swings? Every morning when I’d wake up, I felt like I had a brick sitting on my chest and I was on the verge of panic. The anxiety would subside into blues and the only thing that could distract me was playdates with friends. I felt empty and hollow and unexcited about anything. But after my daily midday nap, those feelings would all go away. Yet I could always count on them to return the next morning. This lasted for about 6 weeks. I talked to my doctor about it and we bumped up my antidepressants which helped, but trying to find an available therapist during a pandemic is tricky, surprise! Anyway, I still have not met anyone who has experienced these same symptoms in this form.

I think the worst of it all though was the guilt I felt struggling to pull myself together for my family. We had more TV on than usual, lots of playing on the floor while I lied face down, and quite a bit of impatience and irritability from me. All forgivable things of course when you’re growing a human. But sometimes it’s hard to convince the mind. Anyway, we are all here and happy, so we’re letting it go!

Even though the first trimester was rough, I was appreciative of the symptoms because they were a sign of a healthy growing baby. I could count on them as a reminder that my body was doing just what it needed to do. A huge thank you goes out to my husband for jumping in at every turn with the kids and letting me lie in fetal position at random parts of the day. I love you!

The good news is I’m finally feeling better! (although my bedtime is still 8:30 and I still have to nap every day). But my creative energy is starting to come back and I’m feeling excited all over again for everything. We’re having another BABY! Charlie and McKenna will have a sibling! And we are going to let the gender be a surprise this time! What’s 3 going to be like? I’m just so excited.

I know the next 6 months will probably be a bit of a roller coaster but hopefully just get better from here :) Thank you for your continued support of our little family! This blog has always been a happy place for me and I’m so glad you stopped by.

-XO-

baby #3 pregnancy after loss rainbow baby