Many of you already know we had a really tough week last week. With the world in the shape that it’s in right now, I know everyone’s going through a tough time right now too. But right before all the quarantining began, we lost a pregnancy at 8 weeks and it happened in a way that was totally unexpected.

Through this I have realized how therapeutic it has been for me to share my story, not only for my own healing and understanding, but because so many women felt comforted by it too. Miscarriages are so common and unfortunately, too many women feel isolated and unable to share it with anyone. I don’t ever want any of you to feel alone.

 I couldn’t continue sharing my heart on this blog without addressing this first.

About two weeks ago I had a slight bit of spotting as well as light cramps that lasted less than a day and never came back. But because I hadn’t experienced this prior, I felt a little worried. You come to understand your own body when you go through this and something didn’t feel right. So I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and had to wait a few days to get in for an ultrasound. By the time the appointment came, I actually felt pretty confident that everything would be fine. I was even excited because I could give an updated due date to my family!

As we did the ultrasound, I could tell by my doctor’s face that things weren’t normal. She mentioned seeing debris in my uterus and it took her a while to find the yolk sack and heartbeat. And after a few moments, she told me she was sorry, but I should prepare for miscarriage. There was a heartbeat but it was very faint and no growth from my ultrasound the week prior. I had to wait until Monday to come back in and see if the heartbeat was gone.

In the moment, I was totally shocked.  I didn’t ask many questions because I didn’t know what to ask. And my memory started fading of what was actually said in the room. I kept thinking, there’s a chance she’s wrong, right? There’s a chance this baby has a growth spurt over the weekend and it will be fine, right? I knew in my heart these things weren’t true, that she is a doctor and I am not. But I kept a sliver of hope. I also mourned because I knew I had to start preparing for the worst. But it’s impossible to move on from something that hasn’t happened yet. So we spent the weekend close to friends and busy with the kids and waited my impending miscarriage.

My mom flew in on Sunday to be with me while this process happened. When I arrived at the doctor for a follow up, there was no heartbeat as predicted. And the embryo had already begun shrinking. I sobbed all the way home but because I had prepared for this, a part of me was relieved. I could start the healing process. I had three options: let my body take care of this naturally (which could take more than a month), take pills to make the bleeding begin, or have a D&C (which is surgery for you who are new to this). I chose the second option and had a prescription picked up to start the process right away.

I’m so glad my mom was here because the doctor said it would be a very painful and uncomfortable process. I had to wake up at 5am the next morning to take the pills which presumed to start the process 5 hours later. However, this did not play out that fast and I sat on the couch in tears just ready for it to begin. I shared this on Instagram but I never thought I’d be sitting on my couch on a Tuesday in my pajamas just waiting to bleed. I never thought this would happen to me. Especially after carrying two healthy babies! I didn’t think about women having to wait for something like this to happen. I never thought of it not being a surprise.

For those of you who read this and are ever in the same situation (which I hope you’re not), this process did not start 5 hours like I was told it would. It started almost 12 hours later. And lucky for me, it worked the first time, but many have to get a second or even third dose. I did not have to take the painpills that were prescribed because though it was uncomfortable, it wasn’t horribly painful. I used advil instead. I am sharing this detailed info because on that Tuesday morning, I was scouring the internet for more info about the misoprostol pill and would have really benefited from reading someone’s blog post. I couldn’t find any personal stories about this… so I’m sharing in case it helps someone else.

I remember worrying about projects I had going on for my blog too. I had two deadlines last week and I just couldn’t hop on my page and say “Hey, how cuuuute are these clothes?” and not talk about what was going on behind the scenes. It would have felt so artificial and while the idea of sharing on my Instagram page material things seemed unimportant, the joy I get from creating and sharing was therapeutic for me. Trying on clothes felt like returning to normalcy.

It’s crazy to think that this was a week ago. Just two days later, schools were shutting down nationwide and many already were quarantined at home with COVID-19. I keep thinking about timing and God’s plan. If I hadn’t gone in to check on everything, there’s a good chance I would be finding out this information this upcoming week at my scheduled ultrasound. I can’t imagine hearing those words ‘no heartbeat’ and then returning home with no opportunity to mourn in person with friends or family. I’m an extrovert and the most therapeutic thing for me has been sharing this with people. Talking through it. Telling friends exactly what happened. Praying.

I wanted to thank all the friends and family who went out of their way to show me they were thinking of me. So many calls and texts and food deliveries. Flowers, cards, hugs, and prayers. A sweet cookbook from my aunt and a stomach ache of laughter that can always be expected in the presence of my mom. Even on the hardest days.  I didn’t expect anything but all of these sweet gestures made me feel really supported and loved. And I wanted to share in case you know someone going through this and need an idea. The most important thing is just acknowledging it when someone is going through a hard time. Even if you’re afraid of making them upset again, it’s already at the top of their mind. Just say, “I’m thinking of you…”

With all things considered, I’m doing pretty well right now. I’ve had the luxury of snuggling two other children and because of them, know I am able to get pregnant. My two year old has patted me on the head and asked, “you okay, Mommy?” My one year old laughs and giggles at everything. Their bliss gives me so much comfort. I think of all the parents who have gone through this and don’t have any children yet. It was so emotionally painful for me and I can’t imaging not having the comfort of my littles. Saying extra prayers for you all.

Right now I am focusing on keeping my family healthy and safe and trying to stay positive and have fun during this crazy time in the world.

Thank you for reading and an opportunity to share.

xoxo, Meg

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